Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Diamonds in the Detritus ... or What?

Nothing special here ... just a day to start.

Once upon a time, when my faith was young and my heart for God and people was stronger, I used to fill pages with all kinds of musings about what I was doing, what I wanted to do and what I would absolutely do to "make my calling and election sure." Been a long time since those days ... I don't even think like that anymore -- I certainly don't talk like that ... not even to myself.

Heard an atheist say recently, "I don't believe in God anymore ... but I do miss Him." And a character on a TV show say, "Me and Jesus have an arrangement ... we still talk form time to time but we have both agreed to see other people." Don't think I am there yet ... but am I heading there? Is that where I want to go?

Fact is I have nearly completely fallen out with my old form of religion ... and I don't think that is either all good or all bad, it just is. Some of what I believed was very jacked-up ... destructive to me and to others ... did damage that I am dealing with now and may deal with for a long time to come. Some of it was life-saving, life-affirming, spirit-freeing. The problem is that the knot tying all the good and the bad together is complicated ... it may be inextricable at this point.

I am inclined to leave the thing alone, a bound-up steaming mess is all that's left of the part of me I used to call "faith" or "spirituality." Forgive my vernacular but it is like shit now ... that's what I have made of it ... that is how I have treated it.

"But," says the cock-eyed optimist to the astigmatic pragmatist, "there may yet be some good here." And he may be right ... because in all these years of swallowing everything that was fed me there may have been some valuable things ... hell, I know there were some valuable things. It may look like shit now ... and maybe that's all it is, really. But then again, there may be diamonds in it.

So how 'bout let's don the hazmat suit and dive into the sewer here and see if we can't retrieve something ... I don't know ...


Worth a shot, ain't it?

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